Happy 2012 everybody (my blog’s 2011 stats in review)
Happy 2012 to everybody who’s concerned about that. For those who aren’t, happy wonderful day to you in general. This is unimportant, but just in case some of you wanted to know who else is looking at my posts you can check the 2011 stats that Wordpress prepared for me. The link is below. One thing that surprised me: Some one from Nigeria visited (and hopefully read) my blog. One thing that didn’t surprise me: people who found me through search engines “came searching mostly for Korean Sex.” Maybe it was the Nigerian, or the guy from Brazil…
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The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog. Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,900 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.
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Korean Quickie – Sex, smiles, and dating in Korea (vol. 2)
So this is the second, shorter, and less sexual segment of the three volume series of shorts under the title Sex, Smiles and Dating in Korea. Though no sex actually happens it’s still a great/fun read. I hope you enjoy, and leave a comment if you do.
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It was a totally new building with glass walls and a wonderful view of the woodsy campus behind the main school building. I sat inside this new cafeteria with six other teachers who, because of the new lunch schedule that accompanied the new building, weren’t used to eating with me – the foreigner. I ate kimchi and occasionally sniffed the queer smelling chemical scents given off by the building materials.
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Small Story published by 5×5 Fiction
Though they took me thirty minutes to write I love four out of five of the little short stories I submitted to “5×5 Fiction.” I ran into their site (5x5fiction) during a late night search for journals to submit a short story to, and though it is very independent with a very small audience, the criteria looked like fun:
“Complete stories… must be exactly 25 words long, told in exactly 5 sentences, with each sentence comprised of exactly 5 words.”
I wrote them quickly enough, submitted them, watched “Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths,” then went to sleep. Below are all five:
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“Sex is Not Love”
She wanted it to last. Forever would have been nice. She wanted to be loved. To know she wasn’t alone. Eventually he came, then left.
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Korean Quickie – Japanese pornography
The class topic for today was Travel. I gave my students vocabulary like “Sightseeing,” and “Backpacking.” They learned the phrase, “The food here is exotic.”
After this I asked several of them to tell me what country they would like to go to and why. This is the exchange between me and a Mr. 백. With both of us smiling pleasantly I began.
Me: Okay, Mr. 백 so tell me what country you would like to go to and tell me why? For example, I would like to travel to Australia to go sightseeing. Now you.
Mr. 백: I would like to travel to Japan to see the porno.
Me: Porno… You want to go to Japan to see their porno?
Mr. 백: Yes teacher.
Me: … Porno?
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13
This is a piece of prose poetry that I wrote after spending time with a woman I liked a lot. The night ended in me being frustrated with myself and the beginning of a writing spree that continues today. Thank you my muse. Muah! Right on the left check.
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At thirteen years old I had my first date…
I can’t tell you the exact age when the mechanical genius of the penis and vagina clicked in my mind, but I would guess it to be around nine. By nine I had an eye for the penthouse my cousin kept under his mattress; I was fast forwarding R rated movies to the sex scenes; I leered at all women, homely and beautiful, and imagined them naked and lying on top of me. A Playboy got me a call to my parents in the fourth grade.
… At thirteen years old I was a virgin and not at all happy about it. My older brother knew some of the cool kids my age that lived in the neighborhood and found out what girl my age was fucking the cool kids, in and out of my neighborhood. He arranged for us to meet up, as we did, on a cloudy weekday…
I decided to start seeing women seriously when I was nineteen. I convinced myself that I liked a co-worker whom I had nothing in common with. As a consequence we went on a miserable date. The film we saw changed my life, but I couldn’t talk to her about it because I didn’t think she would understand.
Nudist dating: A facebook chat excerpt
This is what I thought was an interesting excerpt of a facebook chat I had with a friend. How would nudist living change dating?
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She: Would u really walk around naked in the summer?
Me: lol. Hell no. I don’t like jail.
She: Oh… I forgot that was a crime…LOL
Me: it certainly is. Korean society is not advanced enough to appreciate the beauty of the human body in it’s natural state. lol. plus no one wants to see a naked ajoshi. Certainly not me.
She: It’s true… Korean people are weird about that stuff… but so is America as a whole.
Me: Yeah… I wonder though. How would dating practices change in a nudist society?
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Letter to a Stranger
Dear Person I Don’t Know,
As a kid I tried my best to stay away from mirrors.
My reflection stared back at me one day, and I realized that I was not very attractive: pimples, an overbite, twenty extra pounds. Made uncomfortable in my own skin, I smile when I remember my first attempt at love with a skinny brown girl I cared for, but didn’t know very well.
In her basement we each held the other and I forgot to feel nervous about my own nakedness – that feeling of having the eyes of the world on me.
Though you would know, if you knew me, that those years are still not completely gone. I still look in the mirror. I’m still not happy.
You would know too, if you knew me, that I saw in that girl an unreal perfection based on her real imperfections. Her gangly arms and legs held me tight and rubbed themselves against my skin with all the care I had assumed there would be from one who was supposed to love you.
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My Eulogy
Wrote this during a writing workshop prompt earlier this week. Thought is was pretty good, that it was pretty sad, and unfortunately, that it’s probably pretty true.
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What can I say about Alex Clermont that everybody here doesn’t already know. He was 5 feet 7 inches. He was brown. He loved comic books, shrimp, and any joke that could convincingly fit the word penetration into it.
Alex was also a sucker for love. He loved the idea of love, and shared himself mind, body and soul with several of us crying here today. Love with Alex, however was never permanent, with every relationship of his having in it a fatal flaw. He never found what he was looking for either in love, or in life in general, but I think he was okay with that.
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Life Inc.
I wrote this piece as an exercise in writing in the second person. I had to think for a while about a subject. Something that I knew so well that I could walk you through it and point out details that bring out the point I wanted to make about consumerism in America. I have a bit of experience in retail so that did it for me. I hope this does it for you. If it does please let me know.
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In the middle of Main Street stands City Center Mall. It’s a relatively new mall, only having been around for a year, but business is constant, and its stores are always filled with shoppers. You walk pass the mall’s entrance and notice the huge banners hung on the front of the box shaped building. Words written in steel blue ask you to “Find What Defines You.” Along with the inviting words are images of happy and pretty people holding cheap and pretty solutions to their life’s problems. You take the invitation and walk in.
By far the mall’s most popular store is Widgets, an electronics franchise that prides itself on being the place where “shopping is fun again.” Entering the mall you head for Widgets by way of elevator. The first thing to catch your eye once you’ve reached the top floor is a huge display of the company’s logo. Positioned above the entrance the sign violently grabs your attention, and for a few seconds your stare is fixed.
The Widgets logo is a yellow star burst set against a navy blue background and containing bold black letters that spell out “WIDGETS.” According to consumer psychologists three is the optimal number of elements for a memorable logo – in this case a star burst, black letters and a blue background. It’s a conscious attempt by Widgets to invade your unconscious and stamp themselves into the consumer’s brain. After being stamped you snap out of the gaze and continue walking towards the automatically opening doors.
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Korean Quickie – Bad Teacher
I went to work a few weeks ago and saw a print out of my name near the front door entrance. The sheet of paper had some Korean characters on it. Not being able to read Korean I asked one of the school staff members about it: “Why is my name on this poster? Did I do something wrong?”
Based on stories I’ve heard about private academies (hagwons) in Koreaas, well as some of my recent experiences, I was concerned for my job. Jinny, the staff member, seemed pleasantly surprised however and said, “Really. Wow. You won the Cross Cafe contest.”
“The what?”
I had won a contest that honored the teacher who had most students participate in my Academy’s new project – an attempt to get kids to do more work outside of the classroom. Cross Cafe was an online platform that allowed students to post presentations and projects. They were also able to comment on the posts of other students…
I didn’t know I was even in a contest. Nodding at Jinny I said “okay,” and walked toward my classroom, quickly forgetting the sign and my temporary fear of joblessness.
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